When my husband and I got married I took his last name without a second thought.

Later that year we had a baby and he took my husband’s last name as well. Twenty two months later our second son also became a Berkovitz. So how in the world do we now have 4 kids all with MY last name? Divorce? Nope, still happily married. 

Before I share the decision process that led to myself and all of our kids using my last name, let’s go back for a minute to my childhood.  

Growing up there were a lot of last names in my immediate family.

I have 3 brothers and a sister. They are all half siblings, but as a kid that didn’t matter. To me they were just my siblings. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t complicated. My two brothers on my mom’s side and I all have different last names. I have the same last name as my brother and sister from my dad’s side. At one point I shared a last name with my mom, but that was short lived as my mom and dad got divorced when I was 6 years old. She changed her last name back to her maiden name and then after that she remarried and took her current husband’s name.

Lost yet? No judgement if your head is spinning. I wanted to highlight some of the family dynamics and give context as to why I decided to take my husband’s last name when we got married. The truth is I didn’t think too much about it, except I knew that I wanted things to be UNCOMPLICATED. I wanted our kids to feel like they were part of a solid unit and to do that it seemed important that we all share a last name. So at the time this felt like the obvious choice to make. 

When I changed my name, I felt like I was losing a part of myself.

My last name is Collins and it’s a name that I feel very connected to. But this is what everyone does, right? This is what society tells us to do. It’s tradition. I figured I’d grow into my new name after a while. Most of my friends were married at that point and they too had all decided to change their surnames. No one seemed to be complaining about it. 

For 3 years after we got married, I tried to get used to people constantly misspelling Berkovitz. I tried to get used to spelling my last name over the phone – “b like boy, e-r-k, o, v like victor, i-t, z like zebra.” I never appreciated how easy Collins is to say and spell until I became a Berkovitz.

Despite feeling like I lost something when I changed my name I continued on auto-pilot and our first two boys took on my husband’s last name. At the time it seemed this was the only path available to me if I wanted things to be simple and tied up neatly in a little box. 

Is anything ever actually tied up neatly in a little box? Not sure life works that way. I know that now.

More backstory might be helpful before I share how we decided to go against societal norms and break some rules.

I’m half British and have dual citizenship. In order for me to pass my British citizenship on to my children they had to be born in the UK. So all of our children were born in London. Despite growing up in California I’ve always been very connected to my English family and to England as a country. Sadly my dad died in 2010 and my grandma died a few weeks after our first son Logan was born. 

Fast forward a few years after we got married, it was sometime in January of 2021 when I was pregnant with our 3rd son. I couldn’t sleep. I was up all night. I felt so sad that my already small English family was shrinking and that the Collins name wouldn’t really mean anything to my children. I imagined them being in their twenties not knowing anything about the Collins name or caring about England, a place I hold so dear. That might be a little dramatic, but that night it was all feeling so unfair. Why did I change my name? It felt like a huge mistake. As the night went on I had decided that I should change my name back to Collins.

That would be easy enough, right? Ok that was settled.

When my husband woke up I would share the news that I wanted to change my last name back to Collins. There was only one problem. After digging deeper I also wanted the kids to have the last name Collins. I wasn’t sure how well that would go over, but I knew I couldn’t let it go.

Morning came and I told my husband that I wanted to change my last name back to Collins. He immediately answered saying “that makes sense that you would feel sad about losing your last name, I support you changing it.” I thanked him for understanding and said “there’s one more thing. I want our kids to be Collins too…”

My husband is one of the most open minded people I know, but this request launched a heated 6 month debate in our household. The first few discussions (hem heated arguments) were mainly about the importance of passing down a last name. Emotional logic was at the core of our debates. Since the kids would never meet my dad (their grandfather) and we didn’t live in England at the time, it felt like I had to try twice as hard to ensure that the kids felt connected to my side of the family. Darren’s family all lived close by and saw the kids 2-3 times a week. The kids already felt connected to his family. We went around and around, but the more Darren pushed back the more I realised that this was about so much more than who got to pass on their name.

This was about making a decision that speaks to the type of family we want to be and what message we want to send our kids. This was about letting go of societal norms and accessing our own truth. This was about getting rid of all the “noise” and approaching this decision with logic, reason, and compassion. 

When we approached the decision from this lens the answer became clear for both of us. Teaching our kids to make intentional decisions is something that we value. We want our kids to have the confidence to make difficult choices that might not be popular or even understood.

Going against cultural norms when they don’t feel right, is hard, but important.

As we narrowed in on what was actually driving this decision, there was no going back. We agreed that the kids and I would change our last names to Collins. It’s been over two years (and 2 additional kids) since we made this decision and we have no regrets. Despite my husband’s early concerns, we’ve never been stopped at an airport, questioned on sports teams or at pre-school pick up. The last name change has gone largely unnoticed with the occasional “my husband would never agree to that” remark. And we look forward to having the opportunity to explain our rationale to our kids, when they are old enough to have that conversation.

Do I think that this decision is right for every family? Absolutely not. This is a deeply personal decision with complicated factors at play. Every family must always make the decision that is right for them. I hope this post serves as another point of view and support for anyone questioning what last name to use. Because sometimes you just need a new playbook.